Understanding Trauma and Grief in School-Age Children

Simon Yock Trauma & Grief

What Are Trauma and Grief?

Trauma is an emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event. For children, this could be a sudden loss, a frightening experience, or ongoing stress such as family conflict or bullying. Grief, on the other hand, is the emotional process of coping with loss—whether it be the death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, a family breakup, or even moving away from familiar surroundings.

Both trauma and grief can significantly impact a child’s emotional well-being, learning, and behaviour. Understanding the signs and knowing how to support your child can make a real difference in their healing journey.

Signs to Look Out For

Children express trauma and grief differently from adults. Some signs to be aware of include:

Emotional signs:

  • Unexplained sadness or mood swings
  • Increased anxiety or clinginess
  • Irritability or sudden anger outbursts
  • Guilt or blaming themselves for what happened

Behavioural signs:

  • Withdrawal from friends and activities
  • Acting out at home or school
  • Regression (e.g., bedwetting, thumb-sucking)
  • Increased fearfulness, nightmares, or trouble sleeping

Physical signs:

  • Frequent stomach aches or headaches
  • Changes in appetite
  • Tiredness or lack of energy

These reactions are normal responses, but if they persist for an extended period or severely impact daily life, professional support may be needed.

How Parents Can Support Their Child

The way you respond to your child’s trauma or grief can shape their healing process. Here are some keyways to help:

  • Acknowledge their feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, scared, or angry. Avoid saying “Don’t be upset” or “Be strong.” Instead, try “I can see you’re feeling really sad, and that’s okay.”
  • Provide a sense of safety and routine: Trauma can make children feel like their world is unpredictable. Keeping a daily routine helps them regain a sense of security.
  • Encourage open communication: Let them talk at their own pace. Younger children might express feelings through play, drawing, or storytelling rather than words.
  • Be patient with changes in behaviour: Grief and trauma don’t have a set timeline. Reassure your child that healing takes time, and they are not alone.
  • Limit exposure to distressing content: Avoid exposing them to ongoing conversations about the event or upsetting news stories, as it can heighten anxiety.
  • Use books and stories: Age-appropriate books about loss and resilience can help children process their emotions.
  • Offer comfort in small ways: Extra cuddles, a reassuring note in their lunchbox, or simply being present can provide much-needed reassurance.
  • Seek additional support if needed: If your child’s distress seems overwhelming, consider professional help such as a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in child trauma and grief.

Practical Tips for Everyday Support

✅ Check in regularly – Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling today?”

✅ Encourage movement – Exercise, outdoor play, and activities like yoga can reduce stress.

✅ Teach simple coping skills – Deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and journaling can help children process emotions.

✅ Promote positive memories – Encourage them to talk about happy memories of a lost loved one or find ways to honour them, such as creating a scrapbook or lighting a candle together.

✅ Model healthy coping – Children learn from how we handle our own emotions. Show them that it’s okay to express feelings and seek support.


Grief and trauma can feel overwhelming, but children are incredibly resilient when given the right support. Your presence, understanding, and patience will help them navigate their emotions in a healthy way. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers—you just have to be there. If you’re feeling unsure, reaching out for professional guidance can be the best step for both you and your child.

If you’re looking for further resources or professional support, check out: https://kidslink.co.nz/listing-cat/trauma-grief/

 

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