When the Bell Rings and They Just Can’t Let Go

Understanding Separation Anxiety and What You Can Do

What is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a very real experience for some children. It’s more than just a wobble at the school gate; it’s a genuine struggle to feel safe without their parent or caregiver close by. It’s especially common in early primary years, but it can show up at any age.

5 Early Signs to Watch For

Look for patterns, not just one-offs. These signs can show up over a few days or weeks:

  • Tearful or clingy behaviour every morning at school drop-off
  • Complaints of tummy aches or feeling sick with no medical reason
  • Asking repetitive questions like “What time will you be back?”
  • Wanting constant reassurance even after it’s given
  • Difficulty sleeping alone or wanting to sleep in your bed

A Real-Life Snapshot

Every morning, Ava wraps her arms tightly around her dad’s leg as soon as the car pulls up to school. Even though she knows the teacher, the classroom, and the routine, the minute the bell rings, her tears start. Dad feels torn between comforting her and needing to get to work. She clutches his shirt, asking, “What if something bad happens while you’re gone?”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Strategies That Really Help

These approaches can build trust and confidence, in small, steady steps.

  • Keep goodbyes short and calm – long goodbyes can heighten anxiety
  • Develop a predictable morning routine – kids thrive on what they can count on
  • Use a special goodbye ritual – like a wave at the window or a pocket hug note
  • Remind them what will happen next – “You’ll go to class, have playtime, then I’ll see you at 3”
  • Talk about the feeling – “It feels hard to say goodbye, but I know you can do this”

Helpful Phrases to Use

Sometimes it’s hard to find the words in the moment. These might help:

  • “You are safe at school, and I always come back.”
  • “Your teacher knows how to help you. Let’s give them a smile today.”
  • “Even when we’re not together, I carry you in my heart.”
  • “It’s okay to feel nervous. You can still do brave things.”

What to Do Next

If this is happening regularly and not improving, it’s worth checking in with:

  • Your child’s teacher or SENCo (Special Education Needs Coordinator) at school
  • Your family doctor or GP
  • A school counsellor or well-being team member

Early support can make a big difference, for your child and for you.

Who Can Help?

Professionals who specialise in emotional wellbeing and child behaviour:

  • Child psychologists
  • Educational psychologists
  • Registered counsellors who work with children
  • Occupational therapists with experience in emotional regulation
  • Parenting coaches or support workers trained in anxiety and transitions
  • A play therapist

A Positive Thought to Take With You

“You’re building trust, one goodbye at a time.”
What feels big now won’t always feel big. Your calm helps shape their courage.

Helpful Resources to Explore

 

👇🔗 Link below for services that help with anxiety:

https://kidslink.co.nz/listing-cat/anxiety-anger/

 

2025

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